This post started out as a comment on another’s blog post. You should check her out. Her writing is far superior to my own. Well, she is an actual writer, so there’s that.
Over the last few years I have been trying to be more… something… I can’t seem to put my finger on it. Positive is not the right word. Intentional? Appreciative? Accepting of what I have? There are so many different but similar facets of emotion that can be said here, and I can not seem to get the words right. Grateful is only part of it.
There is something to be said about living honestly, being true to yourself. Finding that truth, however, can be difficult.
People think I’m in a bad mood or being nihilistic when I answer truthfully. If you ask me how I am doing I’m actually going to tell you. I might be tired (more than likely) or my legs might be sore from spin class. Sometimes I offer up a snarky response, but it is still wrapped in honesty. When I say “I’m not dead yet” I am not being negative, it is a form of affirmation of life. Really, I’m trying to appreciate what I have. Instead of listing off the litany of things that might be going wrong in my day I try to focus on something that is positive. It could be worse. I try to acknowledge that and in doing so appreciate that fact.
Part of that, or maybe it is related to that, I’m not sure, is how I look at the world.
I have spent decades, actual decades of my life walking with my head down. I guess it started as a survival tactic in school. Keep your head down, don’t make eye contact, avoid, avoid, avoid. Getting bullied in school will do that to you.
Yes, I was bullied, and no, many other kids had it much tougher than me, I’m not trying to say I had it that bad, but there were challenges.
It has taken until way too long into my 40s to see that I didn’t need that.
A few years ago I actively tried to change things by consciously walking like a normal person, looking forward and not down. It has helped with my perspective in life. I’m still honest when you ask me how I’m doing. That’s not changing. My outlook has, however, changed.
Being able to see what is around you can do a lot for a person.
You just need to be able to see.